https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/live-better/202506/why-trying-harder-to-motivate-people-doesnt-work#:~:text=Most%20of%20us,constantly%20giving%20direction
"Most of us have been on both sides of these scenarios. The question that perplexes parents, managers, teachers, and friends:
"How do you actually motivate someone to follow through?"
The answer might surprise you: Stop trying so hard to externally motivate them because it counteracts intrinsic motivation.
When someone is driven from within, motivation is less likely to wane, and you won't feel drained by constantly giving direction."
Why Trying Harder to Motivate People Doesn’t Work
Three simple evidenced-based principles that amplify motivation.
Posted July 1, 2025 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Key points
- Trying to motivate someone by arguing and focusing on consequences reduces motivation.
- When people struggle to follow through, they're experiencing normal psychological ambivalence.
- It begins with listening to understand rather than to be understood.
- Our newest study found that health care staff who listened to concerns reduced cancellations by half.
We face motivational challenges constantly. Your teenager promises to spend less time on social media, yet remains glued to their phone. Your coworker agrees to finish a project by Friday, but Monday arrives with excuses instead of results. A friend commits to joining you at the gym, then cancels at the last minute—again.
Most of us have been on both sides of these scenarios. The question that perplexes parents, managers, teachers, and friends: "How do you actually motivate someone to follow through?"
The answer might surprise you: Stop trying so hard to externally motivate them because it counteracts intrinsic motivation. When someone is driven from within, motivation is less likely to wane, and you won't feel drained by constantly giving direction.
The Motivation Myth
We wrongly think motivation works like a light switch—either someone is motivated or they're not. When people don't follow through, we try to flip that switch by making stronger arguments, explaining why it's important, offering rewards or consequences, or repeating ourselves loudly each time.
But recent research reveals that motivation is less like a light switch and more like a conversation between two voices in someone's head. One voice says, "I should do this." While another says, "I don't want to." The technical term for this internal debate is "ambivalence," and it's the real reason people struggle to follow through.
When we try to motivate someone by arguing for one side, we may accidentally strengthen the other side.
The Psychology of Commitment
Think about the last time you felt torn between doing something you knew you should do and avoiding it. Maybe it was making a difficult phone call, starting an exercise routine, or having a tough conversation. Notice how your mind bounced between reasons to do it and reasons to avoid it.
This internal debate is completely normal; this is known as the "ambivalence stage" of change, where most people get stuck. The key insight: people don't need more reasons to change—they need help resolving their internal conflict about changing.
This is where communication becomes crucial. The way others talk to us during moments of ambivalence can either help us work through the conflict or make it worse.
A Real-World Test: The Healthcare Experiment
A study our team conducted this year tested these ideas in a high-stakes environment: an in-home EEG diagnostic scheduling center. Patients regularly called to cancel appointments with vague excuses—"something came up" or "I'm too busy." Staff typically responded with reminders about why the appointment was important or policies about cancellation fees.
The results: Frustration on both sides and continued cancellations.
Our team, led by Karol Nedza, did something different. He trained scheduling staff to recognize that most cancellations weren't really about being "too busy"—they were about ambivalence. Patients felt torn between wanting to take care of their health and feeling anxious, confused, or overwhelmed about the appointment.
Instead of convincing patients, staff expressed care and responded humanely to patients' concerns. The results challenged everything we thought we knew about motivation.
The Three Principles of Motivational Communication
The healthcare experiment revealed three key principles that work in any situation where someone is struggling with follow-through:
1. Listen to Understand First
When someone shares a concern, resist the urge to immediately solve their problem. Instead, reflect what you heard: "It sounds like you're worried about taking time away from your family for this test." This simple acknowledgment often helps people feel understood enough to keep talking.
2. Explore the Struggle
Ambivalence isn't a character flaw; it's normal human behavior. Saying, "It makes sense that you'd feel torn about this," helps people feel understood and less alone with their internal conflict. Asking questions about the concern itself helps them find their solution.
3. Support Autonomy
Paradoxically, reminding people that the choice is ultimately theirs often helps them make better choices. "Whatever you decide, I want to make sure it feels right for you," communicates respect for their independence and encourages autonomy.
What the Research Revealed
The healthcare scheduling team tracked results over three months. What they found challenges everything we think we know about motivation:
Same-day cancellations dropped significantly when staff used these communication techniques. Call length didn't increase, so there wasn't an additional cost to listen more. Individual staff members who consistently applied these principles reduced cancellations by up to 50 percent. The effect got stronger over time, suggesting both staff and patients learned to have better conversations.
The most important finding: When patients did need to cancel, they were much more likely to reschedule rather than disappear entirely. The improved communication didn't just reduce cancellations—it strengthened the relationship between patients and the healthcare system.
Beyond Healthcare: Your Choice Point
This research illustrates a fundamental truth about human motivation: every conversation contains what we might call a choice point—a moment when someone decides whether to trust you, open up to you, or shut down.
When someone is struggling to follow through, you face a choice point too:
- Do you give advice or listen deeper?
- Do you focus on what they should do or try to understand them?
- Do you try to control their decision or support their autonomy?
The choices you make in these moments determine whether the conversation leads to connection or conflict, follow-through or resistance.
Putting It Into Practice
The next time someone in your life is struggling with follow-through—whether it's your teenager, partner, friend, or coworker—try this approach:
Get curious about their internal experience: "What's going through your mind about this?"
Listen without immediately trying to fix everything: "That sounds difficult."
Acknowledge their struggle as normal: "It makes sense that you'd feel conflicted."
Support their decision-making process: "What would need to happen for this to be manageable for you?"
The Surprising Truth About Motivation
The research ultimately reveals: Motivation isn't something you can give to someone else. It's something you can help them discover within themselves.
When we try to motivate people through arguments, pressure, or consequences, we're essentially trying to think for them. But when we use motivational communication, we're helping them think more clearly for themselves.
The healthcare scheduling team learned this lesson powerfully. As one member put it: "You reminded me to be human first."
It's a good reminder for all of us. In an age where computers are becoming more human, the last thing we need is to become more like computers. These communication strategies won't guarantee someone will change, but they will get you closer to understanding what truly motivates them. More importantly, they'll improve your relationship and leave you with more energy at the end of the day.
Co-authored with Karol Nedza, Ph.D., an applied psychologist specializing in motivation and behavior change. He has taught motivational interviewing and applied psychology at the University of Plymouth and is currently working with the STEM Transformation Institute at Florida International University.
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