https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/community/a-mother-lost-her-son-to-suicide-now-she-fears-what-being-30-and-unemployed-means-for-her-other?ref=top-stories
A mother lost her son to suicide. Now she fears what being 30 and unemployed means for her other
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In 2024, suicide deaths among people aged 30 to 39 rose 50 per cent to 99, up from 66 the year before.
PHOTO: ST FILE
SINGAPORE – On the morning of Aug 20, 2023, Sarah (not her real name) cooked her eldest son Erik’s favourite minced beef dish.
The night before, the 29-year-old had told his mother he was hungry. He had barely been eating and lost about 10kg from not having an appetite. So she was glad when he asked for the dish.
The mother and son had gone to a nearby supermarket earlier that day, where he bought a carton of cigarettes and a large bottle of black coffee – which only he drank among everyone at home.
To 57-year-old Sarah, a manager in a consultancy firm, these purchases gave her reason to believe that her son had planned to be around for a while.
Speaking to The Straits Times, Sarah said she did not know that these moments would be among her last memories of him.
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After dinner, Erik told his mother he wanted to go for a walk to clear his head. He said he would be fine and promised to return before dark.
He left home at about 4.20pm.
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But he never came back.
Erik died by suicide that day, six months before his 30th birthday.
In 2024, suicide deaths among people aged 30 to 39 rose 50 per cent to 99, up from 66 the year before. Overall, the number of suicide deaths increased from 434 in 2023 to 441 in 2024.
Erik, who had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in his teens, had spent much of his adult life trying to build what he saw as a normal life.
He sought help through counselling and was on medication to stabilise his mood.
He wanted to work and provide for his wife and young daughter.
But his illness had already complicated his path into adulthood.
He struggled during national service and was later discharged after his mental health deteriorated. He experienced severe anxiety associated with his condition.
He was conscious of how these experiences might be perceived by future employers. The diploma graduate found a job at an ice cream production company, but quit after being moved from a managerial role he had interviewed for to a smaller, labour-based role.
After marrying his girlfriend in 2019, Erik became a father. But he struggled to hold down a job.
There were also tensions with his wife’s family, whom Sarah felt did not understand his mental illness.
When Erik was in between jobs, Sarah supported him and his family financially. She recalled him feeling increasingly pressured to prove that he could provide for his family.
When he got another job in an office, his anxiety grew, and he feared he would be fired.
After reading online that certain drugs could help people focus, he turned to methamphetamine.
It appeared to work for him, and he excelled at work. But once his family found out about his drug use, he agreed to stop.
Still, he felt he had to keep working despite the immense stress.
One of the last text messages Sarah received from Erik on the day he died was: “I’m sorry, I don’t want to burden you.”
For people in their 30s who struggle with mental illness, Sarah said, the expectations that come with adulthood do not disappear when someone is unwell.
“They feel that you are already 30. You should be mature. You should already have direction. You should already be stable,” she said.
Her second son, Rocky, is now 30 and also has mental health struggles.
After Erik’s death, Rocky’s depression worsened. He eventually left his job and forfeited his Build-To-Order flat with his ex-girlfriend. He has been unemployed for about three years, and is looking for a job while recovering.
He is currently on medication for his condition.
Despite having a degree in English and a qualification related to information technology, he has received few responses to his job applications. At a recent interview, he felt he had to lie, when asked to explain the gap in his employment history.
He said he had spent the period caring for his father, who had bipolar disorder and died in 2025.
Sarah worries about what being 30 and unemployed might mean for her son.
Music has given Rocky some stability. He joined a music interest group and plays the guitar, but finding work remains difficult.
She does not want him to take just any job.
After watching Erik struggle to cope with work, she fears that putting Rocky in an unsuitable environment could set him back.
She believes employers need to be more willing to accommodate people recovering from mental health difficulties, including allowing time for medical appointments, periods of leave when they are unwell and, where possible, flexible or remote working arrangements.
Sarah said Rocky had once sought help to find work, but was directed to roles that he felt did not match his qualifications or abilities, including work at a cafe that hires the intellectually disabled.
“He felt that he could do more. He had studied hard, and he did not have an intellectual disability. So why can’t he get a better job?” she said.
She pointed to the experience of a relative who had depression but was able to return to work at a hospital in a less demanding role, at the same pay. Instead of managing longer-term projects, the woman was given tasks such as helping visitors register at hospital wards.
Sarah, a mother of four, said arrangements like these could give people recovering from mental health difficulties a way to remain economically active without being overwhelmed.
“Sometimes they just need a listening ear,” she said.
“They are ashamed that they have to hide their mental health issues. They are ashamed that they are still dependent on their parents.”
Sarah herself has found support from suicide-bereavement groups including Samaritans of Singapore and other networks.
Grief, as she has learnt, comes and goes. “I just live day by day,” she said.
At 57, while many of her peers are beginning to slow down, Sarah is still working and supporting her children.
“I cannot afford to break down. I cannot afford to be weak. I have to be strong for everyone,” she said.
Giving people space to struggle without writing them off is not about excusing them from adulthood, said Sarah.
It is about giving them a way to remain part of it, she said.
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